Pregnancy and Birth: What We Wish We Had Known Before Becoming Parents

There is a strange moment in the journey towards parenthood when something you have talked about and imagined suddenly becomes very real. You are expecting a baby — and, alongside the excitement, you may realise just how much you do not know.

That was the starting point for Bill and Emily’s conversation in this episode of The Toddle About Show: pregnancy, birth and the sometimes enormous gap between expectations and reality.

“Then all of a sudden you’re pregnant and you’re going to have a baby. And I was like, ‘I don’t actually know anything.’”
— Emily

No podcast conversation can prepare someone for every pregnancy, every labour or every baby. What an honest conversation can do is make the uncertainty feel less lonely — and give parents a few useful questions to take into their own discussions with midwives, doctors and the people supporting them.

Pregnancy stories are often weighted towards the frightening ones

People understandably share difficult and unusual experiences. Those stories matter, but they can also begin to feel like the only possible outcome when you are newly pregnant and searching for reassurance.

Emily experienced this after being told that she had low PAPP-A and would be offered additional monitoring and growth scans. Her clinical team soon felt reassured about her baby’s growth, but, before that reassurance arrived, the temptation to search online was immediate.

“Of course all the stories are, ‘I had a real problem with this,’ because the people that didn’t aren’t going on the internet to warn people.”
— Emily

PAPP-A is a protein produced by the placenta and measured as part of combined screening. A low result can lead to closer monitoring, including additional growth scans, but it does not mean that a problem will definitely occur. Anyone receiving a result should discuss what it means for their individual pregnancy with their maternity team rather than relying on another person’s online experience.

A useful information rule during pregnancy is to begin with the source closest to your own care: your midwife, maternity unit or doctor. National NHS and NICE information can add helpful context, while forums and social media are better treated as personal stories rather than personalised guidance.

A birth plan is a conversation, not a promise

A birth plan can help you think through preferences: where you would like to give birth, who you want with you, which pain-relief options you would like to understand and what matters to you if circumstances change.

The word ‘plan’ can make it sound fixed. In practice, it is better viewed as a way of starting conversations. NHS guidance encourages parents to write down their wishes while keeping an open mind, because labour and clinical needs can change.

Before labour, it may help to discuss:

Which preferences matter most to the person giving birth?
Which parts are flexible if circumstances change?
What information would help them make a decision about an examination, procedure or pain relief?
How should their birth partner support them when they are tired, frightened or unable to concentrate?
Who can the birth partner ask for if something has not been understood?
Where are the local maternity contact numbers, and when has the maternity team advised you to call?

A supportive birth partner does not need to have all the answers

Bill does not present himself as medically trained. His role during Emily’s labour was to remember the conversations they had already had, listen to the clinical team and ask for clarification when a proposed option did not appear to match Emily’s preferences.

“Can we just take a breath a minute?”
— Bill

That pause is not about arguing with professionals or delaying urgent care. It is about making sure the person giving birth remains at the centre of the discussion and understands the available options whenever circumstances allow.

NICE guidance says consent should be sought for vaginal examinations and that a woman can decline before an examination starts or ask for it to stop. NICE induction guidance also recognises that someone can proceed with, delay, decline or stop an induction after being given appropriate information. These are individual medical decisions: the potential benefits, risks and alternatives should always be discussed with the maternity team.

Support can take more than one form

Emily says she wishes she had known more about hypnobirthing and the support a doula may provide. Neither option is right or accessible for everyone, but they can be worth understanding before deciding.

Hypnobirthing usually combines education with relaxation, breathing, visualisation or self-hypnosis techniques. Some parents find these tools help them feel calmer or more confident; they do not guarantee a pain-free labour or a particular outcome. NHS advice notes that breathing and relaxation can help some people feel more in control, but self-help methods do not work in the same way for everyone.

A doula provides practical and emotional, non-medical support during pregnancy, birth or the postnatal period. A doula does not replace a midwife, give medical care or make clinical decisions. Support may focus on the person giving birth, the wider family or the first weeks at home, depending on the service offered.

“Mum’s job is to look after baby. It’s the doula's job to look after mum.”
— Emily, describing the principle of postnatal support

Trust yourself — but do not rely on somebody else’s timetable

With her first baby, Emily and Bill went into hospital earlier than they needed to and were sent home. During her second labour, Emily felt more confident about what she could manage and when she wanted additional support.

That is their experience, not a timetable for anybody else. The NHS advises people to call their midwife or maternity unit if they think they are in labour, are worried, or have regular contractions every five minutes or more often. Urgent advice is needed for concerns including waters breaking, vaginal bleeding, reduced movements, possible labour before 37 weeks, contractions lasting longer than two minutes or six or more contractions in ten minutes. Always follow the advice given by your own maternity service.

Prepare for the day after the birth as well as the birth itself

Emily’s biggest surprise was not a complicated medical moment. It was the ordinary, extraordinary experience of being allowed to leave hospital with a tiny person who depended on them.

“I remember being at home with Florence and going, ‘I don’t know what to do with this baby. Like, someone’s just let us leave.’”
— Emily

Parents often invest enormous energy in a hospital bag, a birth plan and the journey to the maternity unit. It can help to give the first week at home the same attention.

A simple postnatal support plan might cover:

Who can bring a meal, collect shopping or walk the dog without expecting to be hosted?
Who can help with an older child, nursery run or school run?
Where will feeding, nappies, clothes and recovery essentials be kept?
Which tasks can be paused without guilt?
Who will notice how the person who gave birth is feeling, not only how the baby is doing?
How will both parents ask for rest or emotional support before reaching breaking point?
Where are the numbers for the community midwife, health visitor, GP and maternity triage service?

In England, postnatal care commonly includes support from community midwives during the early days and a health-visitor review around 10 to 14 days after birth, although arrangements vary. Parents should use the local contacts given to them and seek help whenever they are concerned about themselves or their baby.

You may not experience a perfect feeling of being ‘done’

The episode also moves into a quieter part of family life: deciding whether to have another child. Bill describes being certain that he did not feel able to repeat the difficult early years they experienced around lockdown. Emily agreed with their decision, but says she never experienced the definite sense of completion that some parents describe.

“I don’t regret not having another one. I don’t wish we’d had another one. I just never had that feeling that a lot of people talk about.”
— Emily

Those feelings can sit alongside each other. A decision can be right without feeling simple, and there is no single emotional response that every family has to reach.

Seven useful things to do before your due date

Talk through birth preferences with the person giving birth and their maternity team.
Write down the questions you would want answered if circumstances changed.
Make sure the birth partner understands the plan and their supporting role.
Save the correct local maternity and urgent-contact numbers in more than one phone.
Choose a small number of reliable information sources before anxiety sends you searching everywhere.
Create a practical support plan for the first week at home, including food, rest, pets and older children.
Give yourself permission to change your mind, ask for help and have feelings that do not match somebody else’s story.

You do not have to know everything

Pregnancy and birth come with uncertainty. The aim is not to predict every decision or control every outcome. It is to know where reliable help is, understand what matters to you and feel able to ask a question when you need one.

Listen to the full conversation with Bill and Emily on The Toddle About Show: HERE. Then tell us: what do you wish somebody had told you before pregnancy, birth or bringing your baby home?

Medical disclaimer
This article shares personal experiences and general information. It is not medical advice and should not be used to decide whether to accept, delay or decline care. Speak to your midwife, maternity unit, GP or another appropriate healthcare professional about your individual circumstances. Seek urgent help if you are worried about yourself or your baby.